Big guy — a football player. He looks even bigger because he first came to me with all of his pads on — no helmet, though. He’s big, but he’s a softie. He’s holding a tiny kitten in his hands. It’s cream colored and very fuzzy like it will be a long-haired cat.
His friends are all dancing at a party or club, but he won’t dance. He loves to, though. But only ever in his room alone.
He helps with his family farm or garden. I see him tilling a garden area in rows.
He’s driving age but he rides a bike.
Something about a ruler.
It’s not his name, but someone calls him “Bud” as a nickname.
There is a patch of flowers planted along the path he regularly rides his bike and he loves to see them. They make him happy.
He frequents a fishing hole near home.
He still has a teddy bear from his childhood and a special blanket.
I feel like cause of death was related to his heart or chest area in general, but I also feel like it was traumatic — like a stabbing or shooting.
He loved bugs — loved to watch them and study their movements. He’s mildly obsessed with watching inch worms go about their day.
“I know it’s not my fault, but I also know I shouldn’t have gone. I’m sorry that decision haunts you. What’s done is done, but that doesn’t mean I’m done. I’m still there. I’m still sending you all my love and I feel all of yours. I’m glad you are able to find some peace in looking through those old albums. I like it when you do. Even with tears in your eyes, your eyes light up with small smiles as you remember happy times and good memories. I feel your heart warm then.
“Thank you for taking such good care of my cat. Try not to sit in your sorrow so much. I want you to live. To have a full life. To feel joy and laugh and do things that scare you just for the thrill. You can do whatever you want with my room. It’s not for me anymore. I don’t need it and I don’t need any of those things. I know it’s hard for you, but I will not be offended or bothered if you even just got rid of everything.
“I hope you feel me near. I’m sending you all the love I have — all the time. I’ll be waiting for you — the first to see you — when you get here. BUT take your time. You’ve got so much more living to do. I love you — always.”
Sign: dirty sweater (or stained sweater)